


A River in a Time of Dryness

by Thistlerose



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Force-Sensitive Finn, Force-Sensitive Rey, Kissing, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 20:38:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7906909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn doesn't regret his choice to follow Leia's path and not train as a Jedi. He doesn't. </p><p>Except for times like right now, when Rey is in his arms, not asking anything of him, just <i>needing</i> him, and he wishes he could do more than just be there for her. Wishes he could take some of her burden and carry it himself. For as long as she needs him to. Until the end. Forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A River in a Time of Dryness

Finn is awake before he even hears footsteps in the hallway outside his quarters, before he hears the light but frantic knocking at his door. He already knows who it is, though nobody else in the Resistance - or anywhere else in the galaxy, so far as he's aware - knocks when they can use a chime, and he's out of bed, on his feet, fumbling in the dark for the button that will open the door and let Rey in.

She throws herself against him, wrapping her arms so tight around his middle that she chokes the breath from his lips. "Finn," she says, "Finn," and her voice is low and raw, like she's been crying, but when he clasps her face between his palms, tipping it back gently so he can look at her eyes, her lashes and her cheeks are dry. 

"Finn, I don't want to be a Jedi."

He doesn't know what to say, so he opens his mouth, hoping that the right words will just fall out of it, like they sometimes do. "I--"

"No." She shakes her head. "I can't talk. In a minute, maybe, but right now - can you just…?"

He doesn't know what nightmare chased her out of sleep - she has so many recurring ones - but he can feel it still rattling in her mind. So he does what he always does when words won't help: he kisses her. He kisses her forehead and the bridge of her nose, her eyelids, and her dry cheeks. By the time he reaches her ears, she's starting to relax against him; he can feel her heartbeat beginning to slow, and the fists clenched tight against his back start to uncurl. She shivers, then sighs. Then she starts to kiss him back, eagerly but clumsily, her fingers moving up his sides, tickling him through his thin pajama top. When he squirms inadvertently, she smiles; he can feel the curve of her lips against his neck.

"Finn," she whispers. "I want to keep kissing you. I want to do more. I don't know if we should, though."

They shouldn't, Finn thinks. Not because he doesn't want to, and not because she's a Jedi-in-training - Luke Skywalker sat them both down a while back and gave them his revised rules for Jedi conduct, and oh, was that a fun forty minutes - but because she's still upset. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be as enjoyable as it _should_ be, and maybe if they were different people, or if their circumstances were different, that wouldn't matter. But it matters to Finn. So many things about their lives have been so very _wrong_ , as they're only just learning; he wants this one thing to be right. He knows Rey feels the same way, really. They've talked about it, and not like this, in desperate whispers in the middle of the night.

It takes an effort, but he rests his forehead against hers and says, "Not tonight. I want to also, but - not tonight. You can stay here, though, as long as you want. As long as you need to. I can hold you - if that's okay."

She doesn't bother telling him, _Of course it's okay._ She just nods and kisses him, and they curl up together under his blanket, their fingers laced, her head tucked neatly under his chin. The wisps of hair that have come loose from her buns tickle his jaw, but he doesn't mind, and he doesn't attempt to brush them away. Cocooned by the darkness and each other's warmth, they lie quietly for a few minutes, until Rey's heartbeat has slowed to an even rhythm, and the soft breaths fanning Finn's neck come steady as the tide. Then Rey says in as small a voice as he's ever heard her use, "I _do_ want to be a Jedi. I want to be someone who matters. Not just to you," she adds before he can say anything, "but in the galaxy. In the struggle. I'm tired of being no one. Of living in secret." Her shoulders move, and then he feels her cool fingertips brushing his cheek, then his lips. "I want this war to be _over_ , and if I can help, then I want to help. But, Finn…" 

He can feel her shrinking in the darkness, crumbling in on herself and he hates it - she's truly the strongest person he's ever met, strong even in her fear and vulnerability - but she's not finished speaking, so he doesn't move, doesn't say a word. 

"I can _feel_ him," she continues, her small fingers still on his face. "Both of them, Snoke and Kylo Ren. In my mind, I can feel them. They're calling to me. They want me to join them. They'll never stop until I join them or I - I kill them. Or they kill _me_." She sucks in a long, shallow breath that doesn't entirely fill her lungs. "I'm going to have to kill them. I don't care about Snoke. Him, I think I _can_ kill. But Kylo Ren… Finn, I _hate_ him. The things he's done… He's hurt so many people. And he didn't have to. He chose to do all those things. Even when he didn't want to, he _chose_. But he's so frightened. He always has been; I can feel that too. So I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I hate that I hate, and I hate that I'm afraid. That's not how the Jedi are supposed to be. I talked to Master Luke. He said I shouldn't deny that I feel, that lying to myself is worse than anything else. But… Finn, I don't know what to do. It's too much, it's too big. This conflict. Everything."

She isn't asking him for a solution, and that's good because he doesn't know what to do either, except lie beside her in the darkness and hold her. He doesn't think he'd have any trouble killing Snoke or Kylo Ren - not in a moral sense, anyway - but then, he didn't think he'd have any trouble obeying orders on Jakku, and look at what happened. Not that Snoke and Kylo Ren are really comparable to innocent villagers, but… 

He does understand some of what Rey is feeling. Finn isn't a Jedi, isn't training to be one; he can feel the Force, but he's chosen to follow Leia Organa's path and so far he has few regrets about that. He wants to help, to do some good in this galaxy, after so many wasted years as a stormtrooper. But he shrinks at the idea of connecting to his mind to everything and everyone. The few people he holds close - yes. Rey. Poe Dameron. Luke Skywalker. Leia Organa. Chewie. A few of his other friends in the Resistance, but no more. He spent too many years under close scrutiny by the First Order, afraid that a stray, deviant thought might betray him. _No._

He doesn't regret his choice. He doesn't. 

Except for times like right now, when Rey is in his arms, not asking anything of him, just _needing_ him, and he wishes he could do more than just be there for her. Wishes he could take some of her burden and carry it himself. For as long as she needs him to. Until the end. Forever.

Since he can't do that, he holds her. And kisses her fingertips the next time they pass over his lips. And believes in her, like he's never believed in anything. Ardently. With all of his soul.

And yes, loves her.

"Finn," she says again, softly. He waits patiently for more, but that's all there is. She's said what she came here to say, and everything else, everything left unspoken, is right there in the way her lips shape his name, in the space where their breaths meet.

He doesn't tell her everything will be all right because he isn't sure that it will, and she'd see right through his lies anyway. He can't hide anything from her anymore - not that he wants to. If he believes in her, he must also believe in what she sees in him, what she runs to and clings to when the nightmares come. If all he can do for her is _be_ , well… Maybe that's enough. For now, maybe that's enough.

So he just holds her.

8/29/2016

**Author's Note:**

> Btw, I'm Thistlerosie on Tumblr and Thistlerose on Livejournal. Comments, reblogs, and kudos all make me happy. I don't post a lot, but I love chatting about my favorite ships.


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